She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
