Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
