the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
