if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
