If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
