my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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