I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
