My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
