There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
