I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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