i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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