my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
