Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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