i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
