why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
