the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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