I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
