we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
