You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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