Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
