Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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