If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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