Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
