did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
