I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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