Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
