Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
