I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
