Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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