i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
