You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
im about as happy as oj after his trial
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
