I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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