I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
