Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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