I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm like, not good at living.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
