If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
