Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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