broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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