It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
