I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
