sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So apparently I’m into choking now
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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