so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
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