you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
