Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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