AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
