Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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