I swear she didn't look like that last week.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
