I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
