Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
