the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
